12. Capricorn
The honorable last place in our fashion horoscope goes to Capricorns, who couldn’t care less about your trendy fashion statements and those “promising young designers” (bless their hearts). Why? Because Capricorns possess an ideal, flawless, impeccable sense of style. They are their own fashion icons and timeless classics wrapped in one.
What’s remarkable is that it doesn’t matter how old a Capricorn is, their body type, how much money they spend on clothes, or how spacious their closet—Capricorns always look impeccable, yet completely unfashionable. That is, they exist beyond fashion and beyond time. No, we’re definitely not jealous!
11. Virgo
Virgos are completely indifferent to fashion and only avoid looking like scarecrows thanks to their good taste, firstly, and secondly (most importantly)—their reluctance to attract excessive attention to themselves. No need to indulge just anyone with their presence!
However, Virgos do have three simple yet brilliant principles for building their wardrobe:
- Clothes must be comfortable
- They should be equally appropriate for work, parties, and dog walks
- Once this magical capsule is found, wear it until it literally disintegrates on your body
Why such commitment? Because shopping drives Virgos absolutely CRAZY. The mere thought of spending hours browsing through racks makes them shudder!
10. Cancer
Cancers aren’t just indifferent to fashion—they harbor a fierce hatred for it. They genuinely don’t understand why unfashionable pants can be purchased for pennies, while fashionable ones—sewn by literally the same hands (in the same smelly basement—we know all about your “haute couture”!)—just a couple of years later, will cost half their salary. Has everyone gone mad? It’s just fabric!
On the other hand, Cancers love looking great, which is impossible without some fashion awareness. Their solution? They create a universal wardrobe worn for decades (yes, Cancers might very well celebrate retirement wearing their high school prom dress—silently envy them) and accent with trendy accessories, purchased after prolonged deliberation, literally tearing precious cash from their hearts. With blood!
9. Scorpio
Scorpios simply don’t care about fashion; they’re above it all. Have these designers even looked at themselves in the mirror? And these people dare tell Scorpio what to wear? Someone get them all some antipsychotics, stat! Scorpios know better how to dress themselves!
The result? Scorpio’s appearance is completely unfashionable but scorchingly sexy. Witnesses either fall at their feet immediately or struggle to calm their racing heartbeat and blood rushing to strategically important places, desperately trying to “unsee THAT.” 🔥
8. Pisces
Pisces aren’t interested in fashion. They’re interested in their clothes immediately conveying their deep and rich inner world. This doesn’t mean Pisces don’t dress fashionably—when they’re focused on the “rich” part, they choose romantic looks artfully complemented with trendy accessories. The spitting image of a French romance novel heroine!
Only when an appealing suitor takes the bait does Pisces set the hook. Suddenly, they become fascinated with the “deep” aspect—creating a deep, mystical, and unusual image of someone who can’t be like everyone else. Consider yourself lucky if they don’t put a zinc bucket on their head. Right over their turban.
7. Aries
Aries don’t understand fashion, which deeply saddens them. Why, pray tell, must something new be invented every year? Yet Aries don’t mind spending money on trendy items, time on fittings, or closet space for new acquisitions. They’re even willing to splurge on a personal stylist to create daily capsules for them, once and for all.
But “once and for all” never happens because evil designers live to torment people. They were clearly told—metallic, lace, flared, and culottes are in fashion. So why is everyone staring so strangely at their silver lace flared culottes?
6. Aquarius
The honorable middle position goes to Aquarians, who can’t decide whether they’re fashionistas or not. Aquarians can dress more fashionably than all other zodiac signs combined: while everyone shops at malls, Aquarius knows which tiny boutique sells dresses by tomorrow’s hottest designer and where to snag a bag resembling an Impressionist painting.
Everyone admires and asks, “Where, oh where did you buy that?!”—if they’re quick enough. Because after playing fashionista for a couple of days, Aquarius crawls back into jeans, sneakers, and a sweatshirt. They just got bored with it all!
5. Gemini
Geminis genuinely don’t understand how anyone could fall behind fashion trends: to be fashionable, you don’t even need to open your eyes—just grab something from the rack and wear it! What’s the problem? As long as you don’t confuse the women’s department with “Fishing Supplies,” you can’t miss the rack!
For those who’ve heard this advice and felt encouraged, we recommend abandoning false hopes: if you’re not a Gemini, you won’t succeed. Because Geminis have a gift. They look like magazine cover models wearing the latest trends. Everyone else in the same clothes looks like aging goths. At best.
4. Sagittarius
Just missing our top three are Sagittarians—dedicated fashionistas and new clothing enthusiasts. Yes, Sagittarians always know what’s most trendy. Yes, they stuff their outfits into closets with a foot and prop chairs against the doors. Yes, they possess the rare gift of combining the uncombinable and looking magnificent.
The only problem is that this all comes effortlessly to Sagittarius, making it unbearably boring, like fingernails on a chalkboard. Fashion experiments, however—now that’s exciting! And it’s important to understand that an experiment is only considered successful if Sagittarius’s family and friends shout “Oh my God!” and clutch their hearts when seeing the new look, while neighborhood grandmothers yell you-know-what as Sagittarius walks by.
3. Taurus
Taureans embrace fashion because it’s pleasant and fun from every angle. First, Taureans adore shopping, and fashion provides a legitimate excuse to spend their entire salary in stores each season. Second, they love possessing something valuable—and more of it, more! Since buying houses and cars in bulk is simply impractical, they can collect handbags instead.
Third, Taureans love being admired. Some (we won’t point fingers) spend two hours choosing the perfect look to enjoy one minute of effect produced on colleagues en route to the bathroom (the rest of the time, Taurus sits at their desk, keeping a low profile).
In essence, fashion gives Taurus an endless source of pure joy and a proven cure for boredom—yes, they genuinely enjoy spending hours shopping and trying on clothes. What? No, you’re the perverts! 👜
2. Leo
The silver medal goes to Lionesses. We’re reporting from under the editor-in-chief’s desk, protected by a construction helmet and tinfoil hat: this isn’t because Lionesses aren’t fashionable enough. It’s because they’re too fashionable.
Lionesses desperately need to parade their fashionable outfits and bask in admiring glances. But that’s not entirely about fashion. At home, Lioness feels perfectly comfortable in a synthetic leopard-print robe adorned with lace and rhinestones—what difference does it make whether it’s fashionable or not when the Lioness herself is magnificent regardless! Magnificent indeed, but true fashionistas dress fashionably for themselves.
1. Libra
Ta-da! The gold medal goes to the quintessential fashionistas—Libras. We suspect all great couturiers sold their souls to the devil long ago in exchange for occasional consultations with Libras about their new collections. And those who didn’t are fools.
Only Libras have such a refined fashion sense that they already know what we’ll all be wearing five years from now. So here’s one more piece of friendly advice: don’t irritate Libras, okay? We’ll be the ones wearing THAT later!
So, where does your sign fall in our cosmic fashion ranking? Are you quietly nodding in recognition or vigorously shaking your head in denial? Either way, remember that true style transcends horoscopes—though having the stars on your side certainly doesn’t hurt!
What fashion traits from your zodiac sign do you recognize in yourself? Have the planets accurately predicted your closet, or are you defiantly styling against your cosmic destiny? I’d love to hear your fashionable thoughts! 👗✨
